Day 10: The Bubble

Can't wait to lose the "bubble" -- that is the giant bulge of my upper tummy (the part ABOVE my actual waistline) that pops out whenever I sit down (or for that matter, when I'm standing up). It is the part of being overweight that is generally the most embarrassing for me (you can't hide it under clothes, it is always there for the world to see) AND the most physically uncomfortable (especially if my jeans are a bit tight).

This goes beyond a mere "muffin top" for me. I'm quite large in the bust (was originally a C cup even in high school but weight gain has gradually pushed that up to first a D and now a DD/E -- and believe you me, I wish I were back to a C or even a B) and the bubble is even bigger than my bust! Yes, I have become one of those women, the round apple-shaped ones we've all seen waddling around the Walmart (although fortunately I know enough to NOT dress in clothing that exposes as much skin as these people seem to do when visiting the 'mart. Lord have mercy, where ARE these Walmarts, anyway? And why are there so many transvestites going there? And can someone please teach the trannies how to dress better? They have enough problems without wearing white gym socks with that mini-skirt and leopard print tank top and day-glo lipstick.)

I digress.

When I was 9 years old, we had a school play and apparently I got cast as either an apple or a tomato; I always remembered it as being an apple but someone recently told me I was, in fact, a tomato, but regardless, I was a very ROUND red fruit. My mother made the costume and thanks to her considerable skill at a sewing machine coupled with about 10 packages of tissue paper as stuffing, it came out well.

Parents & teachers: Don't force your kids to dress up as produce. It's not as cute as you think.

Except for one thing: I didn't WANT to be a fucking round red fruit. I wanted to be Merry Sunshine, but my cuter, much tinier friend "D" got that role (in fairness, she was totally adorable and since she was the new kid in class that year, I think it was nice of the teacher to give "D" the choice part). There was a boy in our class who was a little bit round as well, and I think he got cast as the pumpkin, and to this day I recall thinking that if he was a pumpkin and I was the tomatapple (yeah, I just made that up, just now; I am freaking brilliant sometimes), then I must be round like him.

I was not at all happy about this. And yet it seems a cruel irony that today, my particular body type is the "apple" - rounder in the waistline than in the butt, hips and thighs. Was this the first sign of type-casting myself as the quintessential "apple" shaped person? Really, in 4th grade? (Sidebar: My friend "R", a rather lean girl with gorgeous sausage curls, thin legs and a very quiet personality, got cast as a glass of milk. Was the teacher guilty of type-casting us? Hmm.) I don't know about that, but I do know that it is my first memory of being unhappy with my appearance. Isn't that sad that a 9-year old who really wasn't overweight would suddenly start worrying about being too fat?

Well, fast-forward to decades later and now I actually AM too fat. I am now a real-life tomatapple with the big bubble on her midriff, that I sometimes think of as my second bosom because it's that big (maybe I ought to get it its own bra?) I am overweight in other areas as well, but for me THIS is the part of my body I most want to see reduced as a result of losing weight. It's almost like, having that gross appendage of pure fat makes me feel ABNORMALLY overweight, as compared to people who who are fat in different ways from me, and that if I can at least get rid of THAT thing, even if I still have weight to lose I will at least look "normal". I know you're supposed to try and love the body you've got because it doesn't help weight loss to be negative, but loving this particular aspect of myself is simply not gonna happen.

It must go. And I am so very willing to release it. Whatever purpose it may have been serving in my life, that purpose is long gone... so the bubble needs to be long gone too.

I would like to put on clothes and not have that obvious bulge there. No matter what I wear, no matter how I try to hide it, I am fooling no one.

I would like to sit down without feeling I am out of breath, just from sitting. That's just unpleasant.

I would like to look in a mirror and see an hourglass where now I see lumps. That would just be so cool; it's been more than a decade since I felt like I had a real waistline of any kind.

And I would especially like to know that I am out of the danger zone that is a direct result of carrying too much fat around the mid-section. We all know that apple-shapes are far more prone to heart attacks than pear shapes when it comes to fat distribution on the human form.

I cannot wait until I lose enough weight that my tomatapple starts to disappear. Apples (and tomatoes) are for EATING, not for WEARING.

And a private note to Gwyneth Paltrow: I love your work but what the hell were you thinking, naming your child "Apple"?

How I did yesterday: Back on program. Tracked everything. Drank more water. Still felt bloated (hence the inspiration for today's topic).
How I'm doing today (so far): got in a major "house cleaning" workout today for about 2 1/2 hours. Did eat a small gelato while waiting for the laundry to come out of the dryer. But at least I didn't wolf it down; I savored every bite. :)