Day 1: No one is watching. Just freaking do it, already.

Starting Weight: 225
Today's Weight: 225
Weight Lost: 0 (but hey, it's only the first day)

I'm a skinny girl on the inside, trapped inside a body that is at least 90 lbs overweight. I feel that there's a skinny me inside, I do. I've always felt it... but at the same time, I haven't felt worthy to BE that skinny girl on the outside. Why is that? Maybe that's what I'm going to discover. 

I don't know why I resisted starting Weight Watchers again... but today I finally did it. Maybe it's the "again" part... the part where I've done this (or tried other things) time and time again for nearly 40 years, only to get heavier with each passing decade. But I'm 51 now and ignoring the problem isn't making it go away.

Every time I watch shows like The Biggest Loser or Extreme Makover: Weight Loss Edition, and I watch these brave people work so hard at losing weight, I feel inspired. If they can do it, I can do it too. But I still snack while I'm watching them lose weight, and what the fuck is up with THAT?

Maybe not THAT skinny. But I do want that dress!

Today I decided to stop waiting for inspiration. Maybe that's just bullshit, needing to feel "inspired" by something outside of myself before I can begin to change what is making me so unhappy. Maybe I just need to DO something, even a small thing each day, one day at a time, to find that inside-skinny girl within me.

I'd really like to meet her, and ask her where the hell she's been hiding (oh, right - beneath 90 extra pounds, that's where). I'd really like to know what it feels like to actually, truly be well in my skin, to feel good about and in my own body, to have the self-confidence to walk into any store and pick something up off the rack and KNOW it will look and fit me well. I would like to be able to buy and wear a beautiful 1950's vintage dress, or a little black cocktail dress, and KNOW I look fabulous and sexy.

I want to stop using my weight as an excuse for the things I'm afraid to do in my life: getting published. Getting out in the world and doing more things. And my age is starting to take its toll on my body already, with hypertension and arthritis; what will it be like in another 5, 10, 20 years if I don't get this handled NOW? I've already sacrificed my gall bladder... what's next, if I don't make a change?

My husband loves me no matter what. To him, I am always beautiful and sexy, and that's a wonderful thing. In his eyes, I am already THAT, no matter what my size is, and I am grateful that he's that kind of man. But I need to feel it myself.

Except for having signed up for Weight Watchers Online and tracking what I'm eating every day, I don't really have a plan in mind. Past experience has shown me that I need to avoid trying to change too much at once, so this time maybe I will try to do things in smaller increments. For instance, although ideally I would shoot for a 90-lb weight loss, for now my first target is 195 lbs (or really just to get below 200 for the first time since 1995!) I want to focus on 5 lbs at a time. Just 5. And then the next 5. And the next 5 after that, and so on.

I am going to worry less about WHAT I am putting in my mouth, and focus on TRACKING what I am eating. Then make small adjustments along the way.

Same thing with activity. Instead of saying "I'm going to get out and walk every single day for 30 minutes" I am focusing on just getting out of the house for a little bit every day, even a walk around the block to stretch. Also I'm waiting for delivery of some yoga DVDs that my best friend recommended because they are designed for people like me who have back and neck pain. Having just come off a few months of horrible pain and finding out I've got arthritis, I need to get into the physical therapy routine and get stronger before I can commit to more intense activity, so that's why the food part is going to be so important, combined with at least some moderate activity (cleaning the apartment a few times a week will help).

So that's it - this is Day 1.